December 30, 2010

More Exposure Updates

I watched "The Kids are Alright".  Of course I was very anxious at first, but the movie was actually really good.  Hmmmm....I wonder what it means that I liked a movie about lesbians?  ;o)  By the time I finished I barely had any anxiety, and I was handling my intrusive thoughts fairly well. 

I think I am starting to come to terms with the concept that I might "never know".  I hear so many stories about people (male and female) who are with men (or women) for years, they break up and then start dating someone of the same sex.  There just are no guarantees.  This might happen.  I have no way of seeing into the future, or doing anything to prevent it from happening.  No matter how much I analyze their situations, and compare them to mine - in the end there just isn't an answer. 

I will have to go back to reading coming out stories at some point - probably after my therapy session next week.  It's still hard to continually challenge myself and the urge to avoid is still very strong!!!  That being said - I am able to recognize the things I have done and continue to do that I would NEVER have considered facing about six months ago.  Acceptance that this is a chronic disorder and reminding myself that the goal should not to be getting rid of the thoughts or ever figuring out what they mean - is still something I struggle with. 

I am FAR from out of the woods.  But maybe this time next year I will be.  :o) But given the stress I've got on my plate at the moment I think I'm doing OK.  Though - the perfectionist part of me sure likes to spend a lot of time beating myself up!!! 

I hope everyone had a nice holiday, and enjoys their New Year's Eve. 

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