May 27, 2011

The Ups and Downs of Recovery

What happened to all those wonderful insights I had last week?  I don’t know.  It’s so frustrating how one minute I can seem as though I’ve got this horrible battle under control – that I have the upper hand over OCD.  And then – the next minute – it floats away like leaves on a stream. 

I’ve been very busy these last three weeks.  Lots of work demands, and that – I think – has prevented me from being as aware of my compulsions as I would like.  Is that it?  I don’t know.  I suppose I shouldn’t spend too much time trying to analyze how things went from “fantastic” to “really yucky”.  It doesn’t matter.  What matters now is that I have to get back to doing the work that needs to be done.  OCD has managed to scare me.  It’s managed to get my attention. 

A couple of days after I wrote my last post I started doing a diet “cleanse”.  The purpose was to rid myself of the massive sugar cravings that I get so often.  My diet has become quite unhealthy as of late, and I am trying to make some positive changes in my physical well being too.  I would definitely go as far as saying that I’m a sugar addict, and I was even getting to the point where I would binge on bags of candy a couple of times per week.  Not good, especially with a history of Diabetes in my family.  Anyway – I started this diet “cleanse” on Sunday.  And since then it’s all gone downhill.  Perhaps it’s the lack of sugar that is causing the increase in OCD symptoms.  My therapist says that sugar increases serotonin levels in the brain.  I don’t know.  All I know is that I feel like crap. 

My last exposure exercise went OK.  Definitely not a slam dunk like a few of the others had been, but I got through it to the point where it wasn’t bothering me as much.  More importantly – I was so keen to the OCD words – and I wasn’t doing any compulsions.  And then the wheels fell off. 

My ERP homework this week is to watch some videos on AfterEllen.com.  Today was my second day, and HOLY CRAP – it’s hard.  The OCD voice is saying so many things that scare me and that I want to latch on to.  I am trying so hard to see it for what it is.  I just want to cry. 

I was going to skip my ERP homework tonight after having a horrible day.  But I sent an email to my therapist, and he reminded me that it would be important to persevere.  So, that’s what I did.  Do I feel better for having done my homework?  Nope.  Do I want to curl up in a ball and cry?  Yep. 
I hate OCD. 

2 comments:

  1. I want to cry with you. Good job doing the homework anyway. I keep quitting when life gets to hard.

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  2. Thanks Abigail - I would have quit if it wasn't for an email from my therapist to keep going even though it really felt difficult right now.

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