June 21, 2011

I don't get to choose to take a "day off" from OCD.

My good days are so fleeting at the moment.  I am still struggling with accepting the fact that I have OCD – which means – accepting my thoughts.  I am doing a lot of thought stopping.  Today I woke up feeling quite depressed.  Luckily I had my therapy appointment, and I was able to talk to him about my frustrations.  I feel quite resentful these days.  Resentful that I have this awful disorder, and immensely resentful that I’ve had it for soooo long without a lot of success in battling it.  It’s hard not to look back.  Couple my feelings of resentment with the fact that I have so many compulsions, and so many things that I’m scared to do and voila – a BIG feeling of discouragement ensues.  So lately I’ve been trying to “rush” through my treatment.  I just want to get it over with, so that I can get on with leading my life.  But it doesn’t work that way.  There are also some days when I truly just want to pretend that I don’t have OCD.  I don’t want to exaggerate a thought in my mind....I’d rather just push it away.  I don’t want to NOT avoid something, I’d rather just go home and curl up in a ball and be safe.  Wow – this is hard. 

This is what I’ve done so far for exposure:

Watched “The Talk” – love that show now – and really like Sara Gilbert (can’t believe I actually said that).
Read “Room” by Emma Donahugue (lesbian author – not lesbian content) – book was awesome – I highly recommend it.
Looked at various articles on AfterEllen.com
Watched videos on AfterEllen.com
Read extreme feminist blogs.

This week for homework instead of just letting the thoughts “be there” – I am to actually exaggerate them and write them down.  This is for two reasons – firstly – as I said before – I am not just “letting them be there” – I”m actually doing a lot of thought stopping.  And secondly – we are preparing for my next exposure assignment, writing a nasty exposure script about truly realizing that I’m a lesbian and coming out of the closet etc. 

As a side note – today I challenged myself to watch Fran Drescher and her ex-husband (now gay) on “The Talk”.  It was really hard.  Thoughts like “What if this is you?  How do you know?  Did you feel this way when you were with your high school sweetheart? “ etc etc were going through my mind.  I responded with “It might be me – but I’ll have to live with not knowing for sure and move on.  I’m not going to try to figure out the answer – that’s compulsing”. 

And on I go. 

11 comments:

  1. I have to stop trying figuring out the answer. (Thanks for writing that, it really spoke to me tonight).

    When my OCD decides it's going to relax for a day, or kind of just hide in the background, I consciously think, "Wow, this is what it feels like..." The normalcy, the relaxed-ness of it all. Life. How it's meant to be lived. How others live it..." and that fact in itself makes me resentful.

    As long as we keep going on, that's all that matters...

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  2. Karin said:

    (((Hugs)))

    I remember standing in the shower crying because i couldn't wash 'just right' and get out. I remember wanting to be dead, i so hated the things ocd was making me do and feel. It seems like it will be forever. That 1 day is just forever because i never knew when an ocd spike would hit and it's scary and energy draining to live like that.

    Now I take the 'normal' days as hope, that one day all my days can be normal, that if ocd can leave for 1 day, that means it can leave for more than 1 day too.

    Take a deep breath and find something nice to do for yourself today (except eating a whole container of ice cream or all the donuts in the house :) ) Keep treating yourself kindly. Remember you are doing the best you can each day.

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  3. Lolly - you're right - just keep putting one foot in front of the other. I think there's a big part of me that is having a lot of anticipation anxiety - knowing what I have to face ahead of me feels daunting.
    Karin - thanks for the hug :o) and the reminder to be kind to myself. Last night a friend came over and we had some wine and cupcakes. They were so yummy.

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  4. Hi there,

    I just stumbled on your blog and will cheer you on as you work on conquering OCD....my son was completely debilitated by severe OCD a few years ago and with intense ERP Therapy I am happy to say he is back at college and doing great. There is so much hope for OCD sufferers now, though I know therapy is not easy. You can check out my blog at www.ocdtalk.wordpress.com if you are interested. Good Luck!

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  5. Janet - thanks so much for the support - really - I'm a "support hog" I'll take all I can get!!! I'm definitely going to check out your blog!!!

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  6. I love how you write about your OCD. I read it and I think to myself 'oh thats just like mine' I don't know if the resent is the process of accepting that we have it but mine soon was followed by anger. I tried the blame game but at the end of the day maybe that anger should fuel the fight back on our OCD. You sound like you are doing so well with your treatment, truly an inspiration! Well done you!

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  7. Thanks Maggie - believe me I have good days and bad days. If I could find the "Cadbury secret" to make the good days last forever - I certainly would!

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  8. Good job on your exposure. Today "The View" and "The Marilyn Dennis Show" were talking about divorce, my mega spike theme, and I watched both. I know I did a lot of thought-stopping... but I didn't change the channel! Glad to see someone else is trying to provoke their OCD and win the battle.

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  9. Just wondering if you would be interested in being my ERP penpal! I could use someone to brag to about my different exposures, and maybe who can suggest some to me. I am originally from BC but now live out east...

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  10. Lindsay - good for you not changing the channel! The thought stopping is a big one for me. I made the most progress with my last ERP assignment when I started exaggerating the thoughts. Sure - I'd be happy to be penpals!!!Are you currently in therapy or doing ERP on your own?

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  11. I know this is old, but I just started ERP treatment in a well known clinic in the HOCD circle. I was just diagnosed, have had this sick awful disease which has halted my ambitious life for a couple of months now, and I spike constantly. I'm so encouraged to read your blog. I want my life back and my relationship back to how it could be, but that story of Fran Drescher's husband has been the worst spike for me. I really am happy you are sharing your ERP experiences because it can be hella intense, and I just started (two sessions). Wish me luck, and I promise I'll give back to others the way you're giving back to us when I'm all through with this.

    GF

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