June 14, 2011

Trying to Plough Forward

I don’t know why, but OCD is still winning in the “boxing ring” of my life.  I am trying to be hopeful, and realize that this is all a work in process, but I just feel so demoralized.  (As a side note – there is also a part of me who is beating myself up for feeling bad.  The OCD voice says “people who read this post are going to think you’re a whiner – most of your posts are about feeling sad, not about progress.”)

My therapy session today went fairly well.  My therapist was able to point out some spots that I wasn’t making the connection, and therefore not able to deal with my compulsions.  This was helpful.  I am just really frustrated with my lack of progress, in fact – I feel like once again – I’ve taken a step backwards. 

These days I hate going on Facebook.  I see photos of my friends with their families, and I feel such an incredible sense of jealousy and aloneness.  I feel like a failure.  I feel like I can’t even be part of “the club”.  What do I have in my life aside from a cute dog and a horrible enemy (OCD) following me around all day? Not only that but I feel like I am hiding something that at this point in my life - is such a big part of who I am.  I feel like a fake. 

I am so stuck in an OCD life, and at this point it feels like it is going to be FOREVER till I dig myself out.  I am realizing that there are many layers to my OCD and it just won’t get better overnight.  In my mind, I have to get to a certain point in dealing with my OCD before I can have a relationship and “be happy”.  I feel stuck.   
It’s times like this that I feel most alone.  It’s not like I can reach out to a friend and say “I feel crappy because I’m having horrible OCD thoughts and they are scaring me and depressing the crap out of me.”  
I could really use a hug.   

6 comments:

  1. *Hug*

    You will dig yourself out. Have hope.

    ReplyDelete
  2. (((HUGS)))

    hang in there.

    -karin

    ReplyDelete
  3. Hang in there! Have you told your therapist about your frustration and despair? I've been there, and I really thought I'd never actually improve, and couldn't really see any improvements I'd made, and then obsessed that I'd never see them and on and on, but I did, and keep doing so, and you will too. You aren't a fake. You are dealing with a disorder that sucks and that's real.

    ReplyDelete
  4. First of all you are probably doiing better than you think. that is why ocd is trying so hard to pull you down.

    Secondly, i believe that what youthink about keeps showing up. Kind of like when you get another car all of a sudden you notice how many other people drive the same color and make of car you are driving! You brain has decided that that is ijportant information because you were focused on it so now it is being 'helpful' by showing you ALL of the cars like yours. It seems to work the same way with OCD.

    When i was freaked out about stepping in dog poop, or coming near some, i started noticing dog poop everywhere. It was really annoying. it was like all the poop in the world was now showing up where I was walking. And of course the more i noticed it and was afraid, the more showed up. It was weird. As that got better ( i think it went away when i started the clomipramine pills and as i didn't think and worry so much about dog poop, there seemed to be less around. Or so it seemed to me!

    If you wanted to, write all the times you beat ocd in the next few days and see if your negative focus changes. I can't promise it will as this is only my theory, but it won't hurt to try. Actually i got this idea from Wayne Dyer's books and others ideas that what you focus is what is presented.

    Maybe it just means you are too stressed out? So you are hard on yourself? Will doing something nice for yourself be a needed break for you?

    I'm an analyzer esp. of myself, so i try and analyze what could be happening and why in my life. Maybe some journal writing might show you what is going on in your life?

    Maybe it was just a bad day and you are already feeling better?

    Try or don't try any of these ideas as you see fit. Good luck!

    -Karin

    ReplyDelete
  5. Don't worry about whiney blog posts. At least not for me. :) I'm sure I've written plenty and intend to write plenty more. My successes in dealing with OCD usually come as a suprise when I suddenly realize that something isn't so much of an issue anymore. And recently someone with a non-OCD mental illness diagnosis said they'd have trouble if they had my ocd thoughts and then got angry with themselves for checking. I think we forget how much we really are dealing with. I hope you're feeling better. And I agree with expwoman about talking to your therapist; One time my therapist gave me really hard homework because she thought that was what I wanted to work on. Then, when I was too stressed out, we got it clear between us that I wanted to start with easier things. Maybe I'm lazy, or maybe that's just what works best for me.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Thanks everyone - a BIG HUG back to you. :o)
    I had a bit of a breakthrough today....go figure?! HOW after all of this does that happen?? So frustrating, but I will take it. Expwoman - I have shared my challenges with my therapist - he's been super supportive and says "just keep doing your ERP". He also points out a lot of other things too but for some reason it doesn't always "register" with me when I'm in the throwes of an OCD episode....and thank you for your words of wisdom. You all are what inspire me to keep moving forward.....

    ReplyDelete