September 22, 2011

Need a big, warm, hug.

I have another post planned, but I haven't had a minute to write it.

I am tired with a capital "T".  That about sums it up.  As I type this my OCD is yelling at me: "You're being a whiner.  Suck it up and think of something positive to say."  But today I have to indulge in self pity and tell everyone how very emotionally and physically exhausted I am.

My mom is a complete inspiration.  She is still alive and has defied all the odds.  Her doctors said she would have died weeks ago.  Based on what is going on inside her body from a physical perspective she should be dead.  Her palliative care doctor called her "amazing".  This is all wonderful - especially since in the last week or so she seems to have bounced back and is quite alert and able to move around and carry on a fairly decent conversation.  But it has been a marathon for all of us - my dad, my brother, and all of her friends and extended family who have been helping to care for her.  Don't get me wrong - I am VERY grateful to have the extra time with her - even if it means just sitting beside her while she drifts in and out of sleep.  But I feel like I've run about three marathons.  And we have no idea how much more time we have. 

Since my mom went into the hospital in July, I have been spending as much time as possible on Vancouver Island where my parents live (usually 4 or more days/week, sometimes more).  In order to achieve this a number of things have had to occur:

1.  I have had to rearrange my work schedule.  In anticipation that a time like this might come, I purposely took two part-time, less demanding jobs.  Both of my employers have been very supportive, but I have had to miss a lot of time, do a lot of work remotely, and do a lot of schedule switching.  Not to mention, we never really know when my mom will actually pass, so my schedule - in every way - is very much in limbo. 

2. I have to make arrangements to have my house and cats cared for.  I have relied on my ex-boyfriend for this, and he has been very generous with his time, but my poor cats have had very little regular human contact in the last little while.  Not to mention, my house is a complete disaster, and I haven't had any time to do anything to remedy this problem.  Sometimes my garbage gets put out on garbage day, sometimes it doesn't.
 

3. I have had to commute twice/week to the ferry.  Getting to my parent's house involves driving for an hour and a half to the ferry terminal and then taking a 90 minute ferry ride.  Very time consuming. 


I could go on and on about this, but suffice it to say - I AM IN LIMBO, and I am VERY TIRED. 


I am currently juggling two jobs along with working on starting the Canadian OCD Network, taking care of my mom, dealing with spending a lot of time with a HIGHLY dysfunctional family and all the daily triggers that I am bombarded with, and finally - trying to take care of myself and OCD.  This past week has been really tough.  I am starting to feel depression set in and I had a huge OCD spike on Saturday.  I think some of that has to do with hormones (PMS), but whatever the reason, I feel so heavy.  I haven't been eating well, barely had time to exercise, and my heart is hurting.  I just want to sleep for days.  But I can't. 


What would help?  I don't think anything.  Time, I suppose.  But I could really use a hug. 

7 comments:

  1. First off, please accept a HUGE virtual hug from me... Second, all of this is OK. What you are feeling, all of the emotions, the spikes, we get them when we feel the most weak and vulnerable. Just use your tools the best of your ability and if you don't make it one day, it's ok, there is always tomorrow. It's not 100% that's needed, it's just progress, but when we go through rough times that are out of our control, i.e., you mom, sometimes we just have to do our best to get by day to day. It will get better, you will get through this.

    Praying for you and your mom, and good job on the Canadian OCD Network on Facebook, I am a follower and I it seems like you have something really great going there.

    ooooooo (<----those were more hugs)

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  2. There's really very little that's more stressful than what you're going through. There's no "good" outcome, but it sounds like you're doing about as well as one could.
    Sending you hugs for sure.

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  3. Big Huges to you, Pure O.

    I can not imagine the stress you are under. This is a lot to bear for anyone let alone someone with OCD.

    Perhaps you could take a day off from everything and just lay around in your nightgown and rest.

    I am so sorry things are so incredibly stressful and uncertain for you right now, Pure O.

    Elizabeth-

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  4. I could just feel your despair reading your post and I also send lots of HUGS and positive thoughts your way. You are going through one of the most difficult times of life right now, coupled with the additional problems of lots of logistics and your OCD. I think you should feel proud for all you are doing. Be gentle with yourself and just continue on as best you can......this too shall pass. I think you are amazing and an inspiration to all.

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  5. I am sending a big hug your way! Any one of these things by itself is stressful, but combined, it's a lot for any one human, and you are doing the best you can, which is all you can ask from yourself. If there is any small way you can limit time with your dysfunctional family, just to give yourself some breathing room, I would encourage you to do that. Even leaving the room for a minute.

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  6. Thanks everyone! :o) That whole term "be gentle with yourself" - my therapist keeps saying that to me and I don't think I've yet figured out what it means. Your support means a lot to me.

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  7. Karin says:

    You sure have a lot to juggle right now! And you ARE doing it, just one day at a time. Sometimes that's how i got thru real struggling times, by not looking it as a whole, just 1 part or day at a time. Do you have some music you like,that puts you into a relaxed mood? Or a book that always makes you feel good? (one that you can pick up and put down at the drop of a hat, but gives you a lift?) 5-10 minutes letting music flow thru you, soothing your spirit or reading favourite parts in a book you love while letting the stress drain out are a couple of ways I use to 'be gentle with myself' without taking time or money or energy i don't have. I also find that if i don't have at least 1 tidy place in the house, that that drains lots of my energy. If that is true for you, just tidy up 1 room, even it it means just putting stuff into another room for the time being, so you have a quiet place to relax at the end of the day.

    ((((HUGS)))) and good thots coming your way.

    And i agree with expwoman- excuse yourself for a break when particularly draining family members show up.You not only need breaks, you DESERVE them. Take care of yourself, too...please.

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