November 1, 2011

OCD & The most stress I've experienced in my entire life.

I need to vent.  And to be honest – I need some validation and support.  You know how they say that OCD gets worse with stress?  Well, that is an understatement.  But you know what?  OCD  – at this moment – is the LEAST of my problems.  On top of all the OCD hell I have going on in my head is the extreme grief I am feeling about losing my mother, and – even worse – all the horrible family dynamics that have taken place since my Mom – the rock of the family – has left us. 

There are enough destructive, unhealthy dynamics in my family to write a psychology text book.  And in the last few weeks it has become extremely evident to me that my dear, sweet mother fulfilled one very important role – she held us all together.  She prevented the proverbial “shit from hitting the fan”.  I don’t know how she did it – but whoa – what a burden to carry your whole life.  And - the shit HAS hit the fan – in record time....my mom has only been dead for eight days.  Though – to be honest – things have been “percolating” for several months now.    

At the moment – I am dealing with two major issues.  The first is my crazy, hypocritical, bullying sister.  (Actually – my brother also used to be a big bully, but he has come to his senses due to some difficult life situations he has had to face recently - one of them being the death of our mom).  My sister and I have had issues for about a year.  And the reasons are FAR too many to get into in this post.  Suffice it to say that – probably due to my OCD – I have done EVERYTHING I can possibly do to avoid conflict with my sister.  (Because what kind of person would I be if I couldn’t work things out in the perfect way, or if I actually hurt her feelings or if I just couldn’t take it anymore and got angry?) But yesterday I reached my breaking point.  I FACED THE BULLY EYE TO EYE.  And it felt REALLY good.  My sister likes to think she’s a psychological expert because she has a masters degree in special education, and because she has been in psychotherapy for over ten years.  Well yesterday I fought fire with fire and threw some psychological terms right back at her.  I called a spade a spade when she tried to say that it was ME who was avoiding connection with her.  Overall – I called her on her bullshit.  And then she cried.  My sister NEVER cries.  But I am so tired of her being mean to me that I didn’t get sucked into feeling guilty.  Honestly – I felt SO GOOD about standing up to her.  I can honestly say that I am proud of the way I have conducted myself towards her and my family in recent times, and I don’t have any regrets.  I went to bed last night feeling exhilarated. 

But of course today I feel guilty and the self-doubt has set in.  Perhaps you were too hard on her.  Did you handle that OK?  Are you really a critical person?  Was it OK that you voiced your opinion on that issue?  Maybe you’re just too judgemental.”  And on and on it goes.  Interestingly, despite all of that – I am SO TIRED of all of her crap that I JUST DON’T CARE IF I’M WRONG.  I will have to live with the guilt and doubt that I’m feeling right now because in all honesty – though I love my sister because she’s my sister – I don’t even really like her as a person. 

The second issue is related to my dad and a female friend of his that has recently become a widow.  My parents used to spend time together as couples with these friends (I’ll call them Jenny and Frank) quite a bit.  The relationship started with my dad and Jenny meeting at their Rotary Club.  And then both couples became close friends.  But the relationship was mostly based on my dad’s friendship with Jenny.  Do I think my dad had an affair with Jenny? No.  Do I think Jenny wished (wishes) for something?  I’m starting to wonder.  Frank died about a month ago.  And in the last few months it has come to the surface that Frank and Jenny didn’t have a very good relationship.  And during the last few months of my Mom’s life there were many times that I wondered whether Jenny was trying to “weasel” her way into my Dad’s life.  Again – there’s WAY TOO MUCH to elaborate on in this post, but suffice it to say that now that my Mom is gone – a lot of weird things have been happening that have made me very uncomfortable.  And I’m angry.  Angry that my Mom died just over a week ago and the situation is being muddied by all of these horrible politics.  I’m angry that I even have to deal with any of this crap.  I am so disappointed with people.   

I had a feeling this might happen.  Like I said, my mom really held things together in our highly dysfunctional family.  But I suppose I didn’t think it would happen so dramatically, or so quickly.  I am scared.  I have no idea what is going to happen to my family. 

I know there’s nothing any of my blogging friends can do.  I just so badly don’t want more disappointment in my life right now.  I so badly need hope right now.  But I’m struggling to find it.  I never thought that OCD would be number three or four on a list of issues that I’m struggling with.....but right now it is. 

5 comments:

  1. I am so sorry and please accept my sympathies for the loss of your dear mother, POC. You have hope. You might not feel it, but you have hope all around you and it is still a little flame burning inside you. You can get through this...

    ReplyDelete
  2. Pure O- I totally get the situation with your sister. I have a sister just like that and like you, I avoid conflict like the plague. She is a bully to me and very toxic and like you with your sister, I love her because she is my sister but I don't much like her.

    I am so sorry you are going thru all this. As Lolly said, you DO have hope burning inside you and the flame will grow.

    Big Hugs,
    Elizabeth

    ReplyDelete
  3. This doesn't really help, but even if your family were totally functional, this would be a really hard time. And probably would bring out some dysfunction anyway.

    Every day you make it through is a day closer to peace, and I'm confident you'll get there. Good for you for standing up for yourself, and I'm sorry there's not more we can do to help.

    ReplyDelete
  4. You have already proven to yourself what a strong person you are, and I know you can get through whatever comes your way. I think it is a really positive thing that you finally stood up to your sister, even though it may not feel that way to you right now....I know there's not much I can do but you are in my thoughts.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I'm so sorry, POC. But, good job on standing up to your sister! *hugs*

    ReplyDelete