January 1, 2012

More Hormones & OCD

I’ve noticed a shift in my mood.  Maybe it’s all the stress I’ve had lately with my family stuff.  I think though that it has more to do with hormones.  I have gone from feeling really quite good – to slightly “yucky” (ie: depressed) and yesterday I had my first OCD spike in a few weeks.  That’s not true – I’ve had OCD spikes lately – what seems to have change is more my ability to let it go and work through the spike.      

Many people with OCD who are on medication speak of their ability to just “let OCD stuff go” with so much more ease while they are on their anti-anxiety medication.  This is how I feel when I am in the first part of my menstrual cycle.  Then, when I start to approach PMS my OCD just seems so much more REAL. Alas, I need to refrain from trying to figure it out because this too is a compulsion in an effort to get rid of my OCD thoughts. 
Sooooo... the big spike I had yesterday.  

One of the ways my HOCD manifests is the following:
Although I haven’t yet found myself in love with a woman, the reason is because I’ve been doing all of my “safety behaviours”, and when I stop doing all of this stuff (ie: avoiding lesbians, reassurance, checking etc), I will meet a lesbian and really like her and will fall in love, and that stopping all of my compulsions has thrust me into the process of “coming out of the closet” and realizing my true sexuality. 

I’m sure this is how people with other OCD themes feel.  The person with contamination OCD feels that if he stops washing he will cause his family to get a horrible disease.  The person with harm OCD is sure that when she stops avoiding knives she will suddenly get the urge to kill her kids.  It’s pretty text book OCD stuff, and I have to learn to live with the uncertainty that my worst fear might actually happen. 
When I first started this post I was going to write out all the details of what happened, and what my OCD was telling me, but I’ve decided against that.  I don’t want reassurance, and I think that giving you the details and having you comment on the scenario will only reassure me.  I sent an email to my therapist this morning and he got me back on track.  When I woke up this morning all I wanted to do was avoid the whole world.  All the plans I had to cook and take my dog for a walk had gone down the tubes.  But I am back on track now.  I am not going to let OCD get me.  I am going to do what I wanted to do DESPITE the residual anxiety that I am feeling.....despite the fact that I am at a “heightened awareness” and will probably continue to have OCD thoughts all day today. 

It starts now.  I can do this.  I’ve read a lot about mindfulness and I know how to get through this. 

Family Update – I haven’t spoken to anybody in my family.  No doubt this is causing me stress.  I feel a lot of shame.  I feel like it’s all my fault.  I am hurt and disappointed.  I was feeling great for a few days because I was just AWAY from that horrible situation, but then the reality set in about what my next step will be.  The reality is that this woman is now in my Dad’s life – like it or not.  It’s sure put me in a crappy situation, because if I want to have any sort of relationship with my Dad then.......where does that leave her?  A big part of me really does feel that some time away from all of them would be very helpful for me.  Enough time for me to grieve my Mom the way I would like.  Enough time for me to be able to focus on getting MY life back on track.  Enough time for all of us to grow and change, and perhaps come back together in a different place.  My Dad and I have been communicating the same way for so many years that I just don’t think that anything is going to change without something major happening......something like a significant amount of distance for a long time. 

2 comments:

  1. My only reassurance I will send is that I have faith and trust that you will get through spikes and be ok on the other side. I also struggle more with my cycle and have definitely had to tell myself not to entertain every OCD thought and to let the anxiety hit if it wants to. Medication has definitely helped that. Keep being brave.

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  2. You will get through the spikes because you have tools you can use. For example, you contacted your therapist, who helped you. And you are working on mindfulness. You are getting through the rough days.
    I think you have a lot of courage, to keep on with your tools even when you have been through a lot emotionally with your family and with the ongoing struggles with OCD and anxiety.
    I can't give advice, but I can say from experience that distancing oneself from certain people can allow for a more peaceful environment to work on yourself.

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