February 5, 2012

Big ERP step.....I went on my date!


So I did it – I went on my date.  I’m really glad I did for many reasons, but mostly for the ERP opportunities that the date presented to me.  My date was a really nice guy, which was great, but there wasn’t a lot of attraction between us.....we struggled to keep the conversation going for 2 ½ hours.  Of course these types of “grey area” dates are exactly the ones that my OCD likes to latch on to.  If the guy was super rude, or simply a jerk it would be much easier for me to say “not for me”....but he was a nice guy, polite, and it seemed like we had a few things in common.  But – the feeling just wasn’t there.  You know – that feeling of “connection” or “attraction” or whatever you call it.  Most people would just acknowledge that, say thank you for the date and move on.  Or, they might even go on another date, and see if something would develop, because sometimes that happens too.  For me I need to know NOW.  And because it wasn’t either INTENSE LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT, or complete I CAN'T STAND THIS GUY, my OCD is off to the races. 

He’s a nice guy though, why don’t you like him?  Maybe there’s something wrong with you that prevents you from liking nice guys.  Maybe because of your history with your dad, you’re attracted to the bad guys, the ones who are mean to you.  Maybe you’ll keep going out with the wrong guys and eventually get so fed up with that you’ll become a lesbian.” 

What happens next, is that I get into a back and forth with my own head trying to justify what exactly it is that I didn’t like about him!  (I think this is a compulsion but I am going to discuss with my therapist next session.)

Maybe you’re just scared to really be loved by someone.  Maybe you don’t know what true love is!  Maybe it’s not possible for you to form a healthy bond with a man so you might as well just be with a woman.”

Why didn’t you really like him?  Could you see yourself kissing him?  You need to know NOW if you like him, and NOW if you would want to kiss him because if you don’t know that it means that you really aren’t attracted to men and you are just a lesbian in denial.”

These are the thoughts I’ve had in my head since going on my date. 

When my date and I parted company, it was quite awkward, but he said that he would email me.  I have promised myself that if he emails I will reply.  And if he asks me on a second date, I will go, because that is what people who don’t have OCD would do.  I don’t have to know NOW if I want to marry him.  I don’t have to know NOW if I want to kiss him. 

This is new territory for me – dealing with this in a different way.  Just another “layer” of all of this OCD crap to be tackled I suppose.  Good practice.  I do wish that I could be like normal people and actually look forward to dating.  But wishing isn’t reality, and I have to deal with the cards that I’ve been dealt. 

10 comments:

  1. That's the thing with dating I have learned... Not to try to figure it out, it is OK to not know if he is the one or not... Great job going on the date, do what makes you anxious! Also, you recognized your OCD triggers, which is great!

    ReplyDelete
  2. You did great to go on the date and to recognize that the OCD was there. That's huge! Uncertainty is hard, but even so-called normal people do not REALLY know someone is "the one" for them with only one date. Not really.

    Good for you!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Good for you for going on that date! I wouldn't be so quick to wish you were like "normal people" in regards to dating.........I think most people, with or without OCD, have some type of issue(s) when it comes to dating and relationships.......again, good for you for going!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Congratulations on going on the date! It was hard for you but you did it anyway. Sounds like a victory to me!

    ReplyDelete
  5. I have recently found your blog, and have read each and every post. I am a pure-o canuck as well and I just wanted to thank you for sharing your experience here. Though my obsessions are not the same as yours, I think all pure-o's can relate in one way or another and since we don't have the "traditional" hand-washing, light flicking OCD, it is sometimes hard to relate to other OCD blogs. So thank you again for sharing, I look forward to reading about your progress for a long time to come.

    Miranda

    ReplyDelete
  6. Hi
    I´m brazilian and I´m 30 and also a pure O suffered (Health OCD - 1 year and half without spikes). Anyway, your blog is already on my bookmark. I like to read other ppl stories and know that ppl out there in the worls that understands it and fight the same battle as I do. Congratulations on the dating. Stay strong, keep praticising and things will be manageable...
    Sorry for the grammar mistakes. Not my native language, which leads to embarassing writting..:^)

    ReplyDelete