- I must always be able to control my emotions or I am weak, and there is something wrong with me.
- I am substantially flawed in some significant way, therefore, I am un-loveable (especially by a man).
- All men are completely emotionally inept, and not trust-worthy.
- I must never make mistakes, because if I do, people will reject me.
February 17, 2012
OCD and Core Beliefs (Part One)
I’m starting to realize how much my OCD is tied into my Core Beliefs. That statement might seem obvious to some of you, but as I go further in treatment, and “un-peel the layers” of my OCD, I realize that none of this is going to be a quick fix. It’s kind of an oxymoron, really. In some ways it really is just that simple. Don’t compulse. Let the thoughts be there. Sounds simple, doesn’t it? Do what you want to do, despite the thoughts and your anxiety. Not for me. And I suspect, not for many people with OCD.
You see, my OCD will take ANY and EVERY opportunity to remind me of my fears, and I'm starting to understand why my particular theme of OCD has developed. Some days I am at the point where I’m less frustrated/upset/depressed about the thoughts, but more frustrated that having OCD just makes dealing with regular life challenges so much more difficult. (I want to deal with the real problem at hand, NOT all the OCD crap!!) I have some deeply entrenched core beliefs about myself and the world that definitely make my life more difficult, and – I think – become a bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy.
As I look back on this last year or so, I have to remind myself to be kinder to myself, considering the difficult times that I have been through (not an easy thing for me!). I broke up with my boyfriend (who was my partner for four years, and very supportive), my mother became palliative, and then died, and I finally stood up to my father and his intimidating ways. My mind has been so BUSY with all of this stress. It’s a lot for a person to handle. And let’s be honest – my family experience didn’t exactly teach me the healthiest ways of coping with difficult situations. (Note – I am eating better, getting enough sleep, trying to meditate and trying to get some exercise, so I’m on the right track there.)
What I’m trying to say is that facing these stressful situations has made some of my core beliefs forefront in my mind. To name a few:
These beliefs cause me to look at the world in a very “black and white” kind of way. I am trying (TRYING, BELIEVE ME!) to learn how to live in the grey – but WOW – it is a difficult thing to learn. I am also trying to process difficult emotions around the death of my mother and the way my father has treated me through the years. I suppose it will take time. From everything I read, core beliefs are very difficult to change, and that notion is very depressing to me. How will I ever have what I want in life if I can’t change these core beliefs?
I long for some peace of mind.
Update: My father still has not contacted me. I have taken a break from “proactive” ERP, but still do my best not to avoid anything that triggers me. I have another date on Saturday (I guess you’d call that “proactive” ERP!), and I am actually kind of excited about it.