March 10, 2012

OCD in my life these days....

I knew it wouldn’t last.  And I have to remind myself that this little “blip” won’t last either.  Analyzing and figuring out is my compulsion of choice these days.....with a little mental checking thrown in for good measure.  Ugh.  It’s painful. 

Good old relationship OCD has set in.....in a big way.  And I don’t think I’m coping very well. 

To be fair, this is really the first time I’ve struggled with these themes in over three years....especially since I’ve been working with my current therapist.  So I am hopeful that I will be able to get some great insight during our session on Wednesday.  Wednesday just can’t come soon enough. 

So – the dating stuff.  I was doing great dating the one guy.  I didn’t really like him that much, but I was fine continuing to date for a little longer.  That came to an end, but not because of OCD (YAY! Some progress!) – mostly because I just didn’t like him.  And I KNEW I didn’t like him.  And the relationship just wasn’t going anywhere.  All good. 

After that ended though I felt a little anxious.  Perhaps the excitement that I felt was inadvertently giving me reassurance that yes, I am lovable, yes there are nice guys out there, and no, I don't have to result to becoming a lesbian in order to find love.  I don’t know. 

Anyway – on Monday something happened that set me off on another yucky OCD course.  You see there’s this guy who I’ve known as an acquaintance for awhile.  We don’t see each other a lot, and I’ve always thought he was cute.  I saw him on Monday, and it was that day that I decided that I liked him and that I would actually like to go on a date with him.  I suppose you could say I developed a “crush”.  And WHAM – it all started. 

I CANNOT STOP OBSESSING ABOUT HIM. 

I can't stop trying to figure out if I should ask him out or wait to see if he asks me out.  I can't stop trying to figure out if he could even possibly like me????  I can't stop my brain from trying to figure out if he is the “right guy” for me, or if even pursuing him would be a grave mistake and would cause me a lot of pain. 

MY MIND WILL NOT STOP. 

And then the HOCD stuff started: “This is only happening because of your relationship with men.  If you became a lesbian, you wouldn’t have the pain of obsessing.  You would actually be able to have a normal relationship.” 

Obsessing on top of obsessing.  Nice. 

It’s been a painful week, and absolutely NOTHING has happened with the guy.  I feel numb, and honestly, I don’t know if he is even aware that I exist (which of course my HOCD is all over as well “See – you always pick the wrong guys.  All men are just jerks.”).  I feel horrible.  And tired....and I want to cry. 

I so very badly want to have success with this.  I WANT TO BE SUCCESSFUL.  I want to be able to date like a normal human being without constantly feeling horrible and crappy and full of self-doubt.   Right now I feel buried in OCD thoughts. 
Why does my brain feel the need to constantly find evidence to support my deepest, darkest, thoughts?  Why is it so quick to point out situations that PROVE that my core beliefs are correct?  That I need to be really careful because all of this is so dangerous and I might be horribly hurt?  Why can’t I be like other people who are happy, and believe in themselves, and are resilient, and don’t think that relationships are just a big scary thing? 

9 comments:

  1. POC, I am so sorry you are having this rough time. What you said in the beginning of the post is true--it won't last forever.

    Can you apply the same tools to this obsession that you would to non-relationship obsessions?

    With me, thoughts can seem to take on a life of their own. But I am slowly learning that they are just thoughts put out by my brain, and I don't have to pay attention to all of them. I'm sure you already know that, and it's easier said than done, right?

    Can you try things doing things that you enjoy, such as reading or watching a movie or listening to music you love or spending time with a friend, that may help take your mind off this guy at least for a little while?

    And remember--there is no one out there who has it all together with relationships. They may give that impression, but they don't.

    And you are resilient and strong. You have gone through some really hard times and have been dealing with the OCD and have made great strides. You inspire me, and I know you are going to get through this too!

    I'll be thinking about you!

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  2. I agree with Tina that it's important to remember that relationships are hard for most people. That doesn't make it easier for you, but you can skip the "beating yourself up" piece. :)

    I'm sorry you're having a tough time. I hope you're able to apply the skills you've been learning to this one. And boy do I know how hard that is to do! But I have faith in you!

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  3. I'm sorry you're having this hard time. I hate that "I knew it wouldn't last" feeling you started out with. Well, I hate it when it's about good times, but any assurance that the OCD or depression won't last is quite welcome! It's hard when I get excited seeing progress in myself and then realize that I'm still struggling.

    Hang in there. Wednesday is getting closer!

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  4. Thanks ladies! I am plowing forward, albeit with difficulty. I think I need a good cry. The funny thing about these OCD thoughts is that up until last Monday, I am certain that this guy would not have had ANY impression at all that I was interested in him. Now that I have decided that I am - my OCD is all over the fact that he's a jerk because he doesn't like me (???), etc etc. Heavens, for all I know he does like me but thinks I would never be interested in him! (Though I think that might be reassuring myself....) None of it makes rational sense, but it torments me!

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    1. I relate, I relate, I relate!!! The boy would say hi, and I'd fall in love. The boy would not fall, and I'd be sure he was a jerk. The boy would drive a nice car, so I'd be certain that he must be way too into money, so I'd have to ask him a question about it, and then his answer would tip me in the other direction-- no, he's actually the most generous person I know. I wonder if he could tell that I was spazzing inside because I NEEDED HIM TO BE PERFECT. And of course he wasn't. No one is.

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    2. Jackie - your explanation is MY HELL right now!!!! I am doing a bit better today, but YES, YES, YES. I have spent hours on Facebook trying to figure it all out in order to protect myself from some unforseen harm that could come about (rejection etc). I SO BADLY want to get better at this. I know that it's within my reach, but wow - at the moment I'm not feeling all that successful!!!!

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  5. I absolutely can identify. The thing I have been focusing on lately - a mindfulness approach - has been to attempt to stop the thought and remind myself that the reason my mind keeps asking why is because I have OCD and for no deeper reason. I don't like the anxiety, but like you've said, it won't and can't last forever. So much easier said than done, but it seems like it has started to work for me. Keep up all the hard work, and enjoy the crush! Crushes can be lovely!

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  6. Sorry it didn't work out between you and the guy. :(

    I too, hated the feeling when ocd showed up again after a time of relief. One thing i tried to do was to be grateful for the 'gift' of an ocd-free day. That it was a reminder to me of what i was working towards, even if i hadn't got there yet. After weeks and months of constant ocd, i'd forget what i was working towards, so those days reminded me of why i was working so hard at doing all the mind-changing work of cbt and later, erp. Telling myself it was a gift sort of helped me transition from ocd-free back to ocd, instead of just wanting to give up.

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  7. I'm just reading your post today, and am happy for you that it's Wednesday. I'm sorry you are going through this rough time, but I agree with the others who say you are strong and resilient, even if you don't think of yourself that way. Hope the days ahead are better for you.

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