March 31, 2012

Working up the ERP hierarchy....

PMS is approaching.....just as I’m about to leave on my much-needed vacation.  Ugh.  And alas – my OCD has started to ramp up too. 

I don’t really have anything new to report, except to say that the ERP that I’m doing right now is really high on my hierarchy and WOW – it’s hard....especially harder during PMS time.  Damn OCD. 

I’ve been doing so well lately with learning to live in the grey area!  But it is scary, REALLY scary.  The latest lesbian movie that I watched was a Spanish movie entitled “Eloise’s Lover”.  It was actually a really good movie!  (In the past I would never have even ALLOWED myself to enjoy a movie with lesbian-themed content – so that’s huge progress for me.)  But of course the very fact that I enjoyed some aspects of the movie, and the fact that it was more relatable to me in some ways has my OCD jumping all over me.  I just finished watching the last part of the movie and it was sad.  And the sex scenes were VERY sensual.  And I feel more uncomfortable than I have felt in a pretty long time.  Are you sure you’re not in the process of coming out of the closet since you could relate to some aspects of this movie?  Are you sure you weren’t turned on when you watched that sex scene?  Do you even have the capacity to fall in love with a woman?  Sure, you don’t think you’re gay right now, but what if someday you meet a lesbian and fall in love with her?” This movie even touched on some of my ROCD fears: "What if you end up in a boring, loveless marriage?"

It’s times like these that I have to remind myself of what one of my fellow blogging friends commented to me on one of my posts:  “Every time you feel anxious, remind yourself that you are healing as you live through it.”  What wonderful, inspiring words – thank you 71 & Sunny for writing them.   

I also have to send a HUGE shout out and THANK YOU to my wonderful supportive therapist.  It’s funny, because at my last session on Thursday he commented that he felt like he hadn’t spoken to me in ages.  It was really only two weeks, but since working with him that is probably the longest I have gone without any sort of communication with him.  He truly is awesome and consistently there for me.  Immediately after finishing my ERP I emailed him and let him know how I was feeling.  He replied with fantastic advice and coaching. 

So my anxiety level right now is pretty high.  I am noticing a HUGE urge to sit down and compulse, analyze it all, try and figure it all out NOW.  Instead I am going to start working on my list of chores and do my very best not to do any mental compulsions.  This too shall pass. 

10 comments:

  1. Good for you to continuing with the exposure even when it causes such anxiety. You have a great attitude about it, too. The anxiety will pass, and you'll have another success.

    I hope the PMS isn't too bad this time. Vacation sounds nice! I hope you have lots of fun and relaxation!

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  2. You are rocking this exposure! Remember that this is OCD's mode of operation to insist that you must know NOW. I've been there, and it sucks, but you are moving into more of your own life!

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  3. Wow! I'm impressed! You've come a really long way since i first found your blog, Pure O. You may not be as perfect as you want during pms time, but remember that after it is over you will pop back to where you are now.

    You are so awesome! Have a great vacation.

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  4. I'm so impressed! You are so strong and are handling this so well! Not figuring it out now is something I struggle with, but it is getting better. Most of the time it is impossible to know now, but our brain have such an urge to try anyway. Congratulations on all of your successes.

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  5. Just found your blog from 71 & Sunny. You have such a positive outlook! We can spend so much time trying to figure it out and this story often keeps us trapped, getting on with life, this is the answer! Great job today!

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  6. love to hear the successes people have with ERP..I so need to ramp up my exposures.

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  7. Thanks everyone for such positive comments!!!

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  8. Thanks for stopping by my blog and for your kind comments. I want to follow you but don't see a follow button?

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  9. Hi Krystal Lynn - I added a "follow by email" - I hope this helps?

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