May 1, 2012

ERP and this week's OCD triggers.....

I’m religiously doing my ERP.  Pat on the back for me.  I’ve been doing really well with it. 

But I’m into PMS – mode again.  It-just-gets-harder.  That’s all there is to it. 
A few days ago I was watching lesbian movies and mini-clips on You Tube with barely any affect on me at all.  Yesterday – not so much.  The anxiety pulsed through my body.  The thoughts ramped up. 

I wanted to avoid doing my ERP homework today, but I refused to let myself.  So, I went on to Netflix, and looked among the selection of Gay & Lesbian themed movies and found a new one to watch. 
To say that the theme of the movie hits home with the theme of one of my biggest OCD fears is an understatement.  The movie is titled “Gray Matters”, and here is a synopsis:

“Gray and her brother Sam are inseparable – people often mistake them for a couple, sometimes to the frustration and embarrassment of their relatives.  The siblings agree to help each other find a boyfriend and girlfriend (respectively), which leads to Sam meeting and marrying the sweet, lovable Charlie.  There’s just one problem:  Gray finds herself attracted to Charlie in a very physical and emotional manner.  Gray comes to the painful and confusing conclusion that she herself may be a lesbian (which would explain her solitary life and inability to connect with men), and seeks advice on what to do.”
I have watched twenty minutes of the movie, and my OCD wants me to watch the whole thing to find out what happens – so that I can reassure myself that this in fact isn’t what is going on with me.  I feel the tightness in my chest.  My cheeks are hot.  My breathing has changed.  Ugh.  My OCD says: "Maye this is you!  You haven't dated anyone in over a year!  You've struggled with relationships with men!  You're guarded with men!  You're not thrilled about dating, getting married etc.  Just face the facts, this movie is really about you."

I had another big trigger today, too.  A former friend/colleague of mine contacted me.  There’s nothing particularly threatening to me about my friend, per se, it’s just that she has a lot of lesbian friends.  So, immediately, my OCD said to me:  This is a sign.  You’re going to start hanging around with Niki again more often, and you’re going to go to a party that she has, and you’re going to meet a lesbian and fall in love just like all of these movies that you’ve been watching.”
I wanted SO BADLY to not text her back.  But the thing is, that I really like Niki – we laughed A LOT.  (Ironically, she has OCD too, but her themes are very different than mine, and I never shared my theme with her.)  I miss her.  And I don’t want to let OCD stop me from living the life that I want to live.....from having friendships that mean a lot to me.  So I texted her back.  We are going to get together for lunch soon.  And who knows what will happen after that. 

Those URGES are back.  The urges to figure it all out, reassure myself, avoid, and MAKE ALL THE UNCERTAINTY GO AWAY.  I HATE this feeling. 
Just as soon as I start to feel like I'm one step ahead of the OCD monster, it ambushes me and reminds me who is boss. 


  1. Hugs and prayers for you, POC. :( Good for you for texting Niki back though.

    "And I don’t want to let OCD stop me from living the life that I want to live.....from having friendships that mean a lot to me."

    Yes. That times a million. I feel like OCD is robbing me of so much ... some days it's easier to fight, other days not. But as long as we keep going one day at a time, and keep focused ... I think we can get the upper hand of OCD.

  2. Sending you love and hugs <3