July 22, 2012

Upcoming Conference & Updates

The IOCDF conference starts this Friday.  I leave for Chicago on Thursday afternoon.  I'm really looking forward to it!  Last year was my first conference, and I remember feeling like I was walking around naked - that never before had I been in one room where EVERYONE knew that I had OCD.  Now that I look back on it, that was probably a good experience for me.  This year I am going without a lot of anxiety or shame.  Perhaps that's because I'm feeling so much better.  Not sure.  I'm looking forward to taking in some of the talks, and I'm looking forward to meeting some of my blogging friends, and some of the friends that I met at last year's conference.  I'm looking forward to seeing my therapist, and I'm also looking forward to the Canadian OCD Network meeting that we're having on the Friday at lunch.  I will be busy!  Hopefully by the end of this I'll have some topics to write about.  :o)

Practicing mindfulness and acceptance of the moment continues to be key for me to prevent my OCD from spiraling out of control.  I haven't struggled much with HOCD in the last little while, though I have had the odd spike.  If I can catch it right at the start, watch the thought, not judge it or "react" in any way, it will just pass, and I can maintain my perspective. 

I've struggled a little more with this as it pertains to the ROCD, but even that hasn't been too bad.  I wrote here about my recent experience with a guy I really liked.  That situation has continued off and on for the last few months, and I have learned a lot along the way.  It's not necessary to get into the details of what has taken place - nothing "dangerous" happened - though my feelings did get hurt (but I will survive!).  All I will say is that he is a man with some serious problems, and that I have a lot of compassion for his struggles, because he has a lot more to deal with than I ever will. 

The problem is that this recent experience - liking a man who is "all wrong" - has started me wondering:  Do I fall for the wrong guys?  Do I like the unavailable men?  Is there something wrong with me that makes me like the guys who aren't nice to me? 

These types of questions are ones that can start me obsessing like crazy.  The problem is, there may be a grain of truth to these questions - I don't know.  It's frustrating to me because while I don't want to obsess about these things - we all know that obsessing doesn't help anyone solve any problems - I would like to be able to grow and progress in the way that I approach relationships.  I am certain that due to my horrible relationship with my father, there is a part of me who is "comfortable" with being treated poorly by men.  That being said, I do know that I've done a lot of self-reflection and have grown a lot in that area, which is why I finally saw the truth about this guy and have put up appropriate boundaries. 

You see, this recent guy looked "perfect for me" on paper.  He was a couple of years older than me (check), he volunteered (check), he appeared to be spiritual/self-reflective (check), he had been through "something" so "got it" (check), he was funny (check), we were attracted to each other (check).  The list could go on!!! I really, legitimately thought I had found a good guy.  But, maybe he was too good to be true. 

I guess at the end of the day I will never be able to find out these answers.  Perhaps there isn't "an answer"!  I just need to keep putting one foot in front of the other and continue to live my life hoping that everyday things become more clear. 

Aside from all of that I am having a fantastic summer and having lots of much-needed fun!  I can't believe the things I am doing now that my mind would have talked me out of six months ago.  Little things, that for most people probably don't seem like a big deal.  Saying "yes" when I am invited to go out with people that I hardly know.  Last night I even went to a Roller Derby Game (Ummmm...can you say lesbians???)!  I'm just saying "yes" and not even thinking about it.  I'm not allowing my mind to talk me out of these things.  For those of us with OCD, the mind can be such an enemy.  The amazing thing is that making a firm committment to living in the moment has a way of dissolving all of that "mind crap"!! 

I hope everyone is doing well.  :o)

7 comments:

  1. So glad to hear you are having a great summer. Good for you that you are pushing yourself to move forward.

    Yes, I too felt a bit weird at my first conference, knowing that everyone would know about me. I think it's ok to feel stuff, as long as we don't let it stop us. And hey, we're not, so good for us!

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  2. Roller Derby! Ha, I love it!

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  3. The roller derby comment had me chuckling, too! So glad you're having a good summer, it is much deserved! Just saying yes is pretty awesome, isn't it? It's all about moving forward and using what we've learned to get there! Looking forward to meeting you on Friday!

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  4. OK, so I have to tell you. I was driving down the street today and listening to the radio. They were doing a news report on roller derby - apparently it's the hot new thing in NH and there are several teams now. I have to say that I never would have paid attention to this news report if I hadn't just read your post. I was really laughing when I heard about it. Who knew roller derby was such a big thing here?!

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    1. Too funny! It's the hot new thing here too!!! It's fun to watch!

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  5. Actually I really like roller derby there, it's the fact that it's enjoyable to watch,but there are also some that can be hurt, but that's the part of it anyway. :P
    _______________
    Ashley | Olympic 2012 Games

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  6. I'm glad you're having a great summer!

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