August 26, 2012

Long Time, no Post

I feel like I haven’t written in forever.  These last few weeks of summer have been a crazy whirlwind for me.  I’ve been sooooo busy – mostly with saying “yes” to life.  Nothing in particular, yet so many things. 

The IOCDF conference in Chicago was fantastic!!!  I loved being there, and this year it was from such a different place.  During last year’s conference, so much was going on.  My Mom had just entered palliative care, and I was still virtually “in the thick of things” as it pertained to my OCD.  This year, well, I was attending with a year of therapy behind me.  In some ways it felt like more of a “reunion” of sorts.  I still really enjoyed the talks, and loved seeing my therapist.  The Canadian OCD Network meeting went really well, and I loved touring around the city of Chicago.  This year I tried to attend the talks that focused on mindfulness, and ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy).  It was nice to see more of a focus on these modalities for treating OCD. 

I am feeling like a different person these days.  Pema Chodron refers to the place/feeling as “groundlessness”.  As I mentioned above my new mantra is “Just Do It”, or “Just Say Yes”.  Non-avoidance hasn’t really been an option, which has been GREAT for my OCD, and many other areas of my life, but I definitely have days when I feel as though I am on a train bound for.....who knows where?  I suppose that’s how most people live – much less controlled, predictable etc. 

My OCD has been great for the most part.  My insistence IN THE MOMENT to accept my thoughts, not avoid triggers, and just “be” is definitely what has helped.  But I’ve had some tough days....mostly maintaining motivation. 

For those of you who have followed my blog, you will have read that I met a man this spring.  It turned out that an intimate physical relationship was not going to happen between the two of us, but that experience had a profound effect on me in many ways.  There are many things about this man that I greatly admire, and he inspires me on many levels.  And I think that meeting him was HUGE motivation for me to face, and deal with my OCD.  Now that he isn’t really a part of my life anymore, I am struggling to stay motivated.....which is really bothering me.  Why is it that it isn’t good enough to fight this disorder for ME??????

Don’t get me wrong – I’m still continuing to “just do it”, but my overall commitment to facing the thoughts, and fears in the moment seem to be more difficult for me, which I find so frustrating!  I suppose the moral of the story is that I have to somehow, somewhere, dig deep and find a reason to do this FOR MYSELF.  And deal with whatever happens as I do that. 

P.S.  One of the things that I’ve been noticing when I am practicing my mindfulness is the very subtle difference between just “watching” or “letting a thought be there” versus pushing the thought away.  I’m going to write about that topic in my next blog post.