October 20, 2012

Much Better this Week


Hindsight is 20/20 and sometimes when I am struggling through PMS, it is really hard to keep perspective.  It is abundantly clear that my OCD ramps up immensely when I have PMS, as evidenced by my post last week!!! 

I am feeling MUCH better this week.....much more balanced and my OCD is back in its place again.  I find it so amazing how my perspective on things can shift so substantially, just due to some stupid hormones.  Alas, I can’t control it – so I must do what I can to cope.  I do find it amazing though how as quickly as it can hit me, it can also disappear. 

Once again I am reminded of one of my favourite quotes:  “What you Resist, Persists”.  When I start to feel myself feeling crappy and I start to sense my view of the world becoming “skewed” this is what I do.  I panic.  I freak out.  WHAT CAN I DO TO MAKE IT GO AWAY?  I suspect all humans react this way for the most part, but those of us with OCD know that this reaction is one of the worst things we can do!  Mindfulness is the key here.  Meditating....living in the moment.  It really ONLY in the moment when we have the choice to move towards a healthier way of living or staying stuck. 

I slipped back into some ROCD compulsions.  I didn’t see what I was doing.  I wasn’t being mindful.  And it backfired on me.  Couple that with raging, horrible, angry hormones, and WHAM!  You get despair. 

Don’t get me wrong – I fully recognize that I have issues re: healthy relationships with men (I guess that's called ROCD in my case!).  But it’s the URGENCY with which it felt like it HAD TO BE SOLVED RIGHT NOW OR ELSE SOMETHING BAD WAS GOING TO HAPPEN that was so painful.  It was also that urgency that tipped me to realize that it was related to OCD (actually, it was my therapist who pointed it out to me).  Heck, we ALL have issues of varying levels with healthy relationships.  I can only learn and do the best that I can IN THE MOMENT.  And I’m not even in a relationship at the moment.  So maybe I should just worry about that when I am.  :o)

I am back focused on taking care of myself.  I am back focusing on pursuing what I value in life....my goals.....living life to the fullest IN THE MOMENT.  I am working really hard to take care good care of myself.  Next year I want to go to Africa and volunteer.  I am so incredibly passionate about making this happen, and it makes me so happy to think about it.  THIS is what I am focusing on now.  Realizing dreams.  Living life and letting it just happen........trusting that I will figure it out along the way.   
I would love to hear what others do to cope with their OCD during PMS time. 

October 14, 2012

Courage


It’s been weeks since I’ve written.  I hope everyone is doing well.  :o)

Too much has happened this summer to even TRY to summarize it all here.  I had an amazing summer.  I’m sure you can tell from my blog posts, that my attitude of “say YES to life” really helped me with my OCD.  So did the Buddhist stuff that I’ve been reading....especially material written by Pema Chodron.  (I did break my wrist and was in a cast for 6 weeks, which is one of the reasons why I didn’t write.)

The last week has been difficult though.  HOCD hit me like a ton of bricks the other day, and tonight I had a major panic attack.  It’s frustrating and scary when I have experiences like this.  Thoughts like: “What about all my plans – the things I had planned to do while OCD-free?  What if I’m not able to do them now?” I did so many fun things in the last few months, and I had plans to do so many things I've dreamed of doing in my life!  Tonight, I was supposed to go to yoga, but instead I’m at home, obsessing, feeling sick to my stomach, and I will probably go on the Yahoo Support Groups later for the first time in months. 

The other day as I was struggling, I thought about how much courage those of us with OCD all have....how for most of us – on a DAILY basis – often many times per day we are must face our fears if we are to actually live a life free from the chains of OCD.  Everyone experiences fear, we all know that, but those of us with OCD often live in constant fear, and sometimes facing those fears on a daily basis is really, really hard. 

We all deserve a pat on the back for having this kind of courage!!!

Today was tough.  I didn’t do as well as I have in the last few months.  I avoided.  I’m scared. 
I just want it all to go away.  I want the challenges that I have in life to go away.  I know that the more I resist it all, the more it is going to persist.  I know that the more I try to make the thoughts go away, the more they will stay.  But this is all so tied up in some heavy stuff for me.  I KNOW I have issues with relationships with men.  I KNOW I have attachment problems with men.  And I’m wondering whether it’s time to start exploring some of that in a different kind of therapy.  I really do feel like a hopeless loser.  I feel like I will never be able to even CHOOSE a healthy relationship, let alone be a NORMAL person in a relationship with a man.  And I feel like I keep repeating the same patterns over, and over, and over again.  When/how will I learn????  I’m not looking for pity.  I’m lost.  I’m confused.  I’m not sure what it is that I need to accept?  What is it that I need to let go of?  I’m not sure what feelings I need to experience.....what I need to do, who I need to see in order to be free of some of this stuff.  I want to be happy.  I want to experience a happy, productive relationship.  I realize that ANY relationship is difficult.  It's not that kind of "difficult" that I'm talking about.  I would love to face some of the typical relationship difficulties, but in a "healthy" way.  Is the only way I can achieve that by being with a woman?  Lately the idea doesn’t scare me or bother me nearly as much....which scares me to death.