October 14, 2012

Courage


It’s been weeks since I’ve written.  I hope everyone is doing well.  :o)

Too much has happened this summer to even TRY to summarize it all here.  I had an amazing summer.  I’m sure you can tell from my blog posts, that my attitude of “say YES to life” really helped me with my OCD.  So did the Buddhist stuff that I’ve been reading....especially material written by Pema Chodron.  (I did break my wrist and was in a cast for 6 weeks, which is one of the reasons why I didn’t write.)

The last week has been difficult though.  HOCD hit me like a ton of bricks the other day, and tonight I had a major panic attack.  It’s frustrating and scary when I have experiences like this.  Thoughts like: “What about all my plans – the things I had planned to do while OCD-free?  What if I’m not able to do them now?” I did so many fun things in the last few months, and I had plans to do so many things I've dreamed of doing in my life!  Tonight, I was supposed to go to yoga, but instead I’m at home, obsessing, feeling sick to my stomach, and I will probably go on the Yahoo Support Groups later for the first time in months. 

The other day as I was struggling, I thought about how much courage those of us with OCD all have....how for most of us – on a DAILY basis – often many times per day we are must face our fears if we are to actually live a life free from the chains of OCD.  Everyone experiences fear, we all know that, but those of us with OCD often live in constant fear, and sometimes facing those fears on a daily basis is really, really hard. 

We all deserve a pat on the back for having this kind of courage!!!

Today was tough.  I didn’t do as well as I have in the last few months.  I avoided.  I’m scared. 
I just want it all to go away.  I want the challenges that I have in life to go away.  I know that the more I resist it all, the more it is going to persist.  I know that the more I try to make the thoughts go away, the more they will stay.  But this is all so tied up in some heavy stuff for me.  I KNOW I have issues with relationships with men.  I KNOW I have attachment problems with men.  And I’m wondering whether it’s time to start exploring some of that in a different kind of therapy.  I really do feel like a hopeless loser.  I feel like I will never be able to even CHOOSE a healthy relationship, let alone be a NORMAL person in a relationship with a man.  And I feel like I keep repeating the same patterns over, and over, and over again.  When/how will I learn????  I’m not looking for pity.  I’m lost.  I’m confused.  I’m not sure what it is that I need to accept?  What is it that I need to let go of?  I’m not sure what feelings I need to experience.....what I need to do, who I need to see in order to be free of some of this stuff.  I want to be happy.  I want to experience a happy, productive relationship.  I realize that ANY relationship is difficult.  It's not that kind of "difficult" that I'm talking about.  I would love to face some of the typical relationship difficulties, but in a "healthy" way.  Is the only way I can achieve that by being with a woman?  Lately the idea doesn’t scare me or bother me nearly as much....which scares me to death.  

 

9 comments:

  1. Lots of love to you Cannuck! You know exactly that these thoughts are 'just' your brain dealing with a perceived threat so AS BEST YOU CAN put your mind to rest... What's your very own most helpful way of doing that? Distraction? Meditation? Simply interrupting and stopping the thoughts by the power of will and persistence? Laughing? Crying? A hug? Exercise? Sleeping? All of the above?

    You've seen it all before, and you also know that it will pass. I can very much relate to ENDLESS spirals of doubting, questioning, and seemingly non-resolving issues... The point is: they simply ARE non-resolvable. There's always another why/how/if.... And then another one.... The only solution is: not wanting to find a solution. I know it's bloody hard in the very moment of mindfuck; hence distraction might be helpful as a first aid measure and then when the waters get calmer you can start trusting and directing your mind again.

    Lots of love again.... I'm with you from afar, and I know many others are too. x

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    1. Annie - what kind words!!! Thank you for the encouragement and you are right - it's all just a big mindfuck. xo

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  2. I'm sorry you are struggling so much right now, POC. (And I'm sorry you broke your wrist - that must have been horrible!) It is frustrating when you start to make some good progress against the OCD and then - bam - it hits you out of no where and then all of a sudden you're really taken by surprise and it feels like you're back there again. I wish I could give you a recipe for feeling better right away. For me, I can say that this has happened so many times that now I'm starting to be ok with it if it hits me in a surprising way. I kind of half expect it now - so when it does happen (don't get me wrong - I sure don't enjoy it!) I'm sort of able to just go with it. Well, maybe not every time - but a lot of the time.

    Hope you feel better soon.

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    2. 71 - thanks - I'm feeling much better a week later. PMS will do that to you. ;o)

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  3. I'm so sorry you're going through this. It does sound like some "non-OCD" therapy might be useful to help you find a healthier approach to relationships.

    Not trying to reassure (or scare!), but there's no guarantee a relationship with a woman would be any healthier. So there's that.

    But I hope you feel better very very soon.

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    1. Ann - you are correct - and all of that is just my OCD trying to find a guarantee and a way out. I'm past it all now and feeling much better - thanks for your comment!

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  4. Oh, no. I hope you're feeling better soon. OCD is like that with me too. Everything pretty ok, then a stupid thot (that just MIGHT be true this time) just takes over. Stay strong and hang in there. This too will pass.

    hugs, karin

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    1. Thanks Karin for your encouragement. :o)

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